Biting my tongue
by jumbawamba
Summary: Based on promo for next Monday's episode 4x19 "47 seconds". So, if you want to remain spoiler free, turn around now and come back after the episode aired.


Title: Biting your tongue

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own a dog. And that's not even completely true, because my father bought it.

Summary: Based on promo for next Monday's episode **4x19 ****"47 seconds**". So, if you want to remain **spoiler free**, turn around now and come back after the episode aired.

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><p>"I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"<p>

As Kate hears her voice reverberate from the walls, her head whips around and she stares at the two way mirror with a horrified expression on her face. As she hears a door slammed shut, she bites down on her tongue until she's able to taste the metallic flavor of blood in her mouth while she closes her eyes.

She tries to take long and deep breaths, but her mind is still fuzzy and she feels like she's going to fall over any second.

_Second._

There's no time. She has to get her butt off of the table and her feet to fallow him. A large hand tucks at her elbow, her eyes spring wide open and she's being shoved out the door by Esposito, who's is muttering a 'go' into her ear.

As she leaves the interrogation room, she only catches a glimpse of him as the elevator closes its doors.

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><p>He doesn't know where he's going. There is this sickening feeling right at the pit of his stomach. His thoughts reel around in his head. It's hard to distinguish up from down. The only thing he realizes is his own voice echoing in his head, telling him she remembers.<p>

_She remembers._

His feet carry him out of the precinct and down the road. There are the noises of a busy city all around him – honking cars and talking people.

It doesn't take too long until he hears the faint sound of her heels clicking off the pavement and her voice calling for him, but he just keeps on walking. He doesn't turn around. He _cannot_ turn around.

However, she is fast and catches up with him way sooner than he'd like. Her hand lands on his shoulder and Castle stops, closes his eyes and breathes slowly in and out to prepare himself.

"Castle."

He hears her voice over the loud noises of the city. Her soft sound hits him hard in his stomach. She seems crestfallen.

Taking deep breaths, filling his lungs with the acid smell of New York's streets, he lets himself sink into the burning sensation of hurt and anger. In an instant he turns around and scowls at Kate. His eyes mirror pain, anger and sadness.

It shoots right through her heart.

"Rick, I'm s…", Kate starts to say, but he interrupts.

"Don't! Just don't.", he hisses at her. "You overstepped. This is something between you and me and not between you and a suspect. I always respected and admired your honesty. But, when it comes to matters of the heart you can be such a coward."

Castle keeps on staring right into Kate's eyes. She wants to look away, but she can't. Not this time. His gaze, although, seem to be burning holes into her soul.

This time she has to endure it, because she messed up. She messed up big time. And Kate knows it to be true.

"This hurts, Kate. This one hurts like hell - right here."

His puts his right hand over his heart, and for the first time it seems like tears are going to spill from his eyes. But he steels his features within milliseconds and puts on the mask of anger again.

"But, what hurts the most is you knowing that I'm going to forgive you. Because, you know, I'm the fool who'll come back to you. No matter in which way. As friend, partner or… Such a fool." Castle mutters the last part, but Kate's ears are in tune only for his voice. She doesn't hear anything else going on around them. No cab drivers screaming at pedestrians, no music from the first ice cream truck driving by, nothing – just him.

"You say you have to take down this wall from around your heart before you're able to be the person you want to be. However, I think you're just scared of being vulnerable. But, you know what Kate? Vulnerability doesn't equal weakness. Vulnerability is emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage. To be vulnerable, to be seen, to be honest takes a whole lot more courage than appearing fine and whole all the time."

Castle puffs out a strange kind of laugh.

"Since you came back, I've tried to help you getting better. I tried to show you that it is okay to let people in and to let them help you. And even after all this disaster, ", Castle point behind her in the direction of the precinct, "I still believe that you're one of the strongest people I've ever met."

Tears start to drip down Kate's cheeks. Her hands have been shaking for the last few minutes and her breath is really shallow.

"I really, _really,_ want to know why you kept this secret from me and you didn't feel like you could come to me with it. But, I can't listen to your explanation right now. You always tell me that I'm the writer and I string words together and make them sound beautiful. However, you've got this way with words, which sucks people in, sucks me in, and this time I cannot forgive you this easily. I just need some time."

The last sentence is like a slap in her face - a fist to her stomach. The air hitched in her lungs and Kate has to consciously force herself to take the next breath. Tears stream down her face like water from the sky during a summer storm.

"How much?" She felt like her feet were rooted to the ground.

"I'll call you."

The End.

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><p>AN: Thoughts?

I borrowed a line from Elliot Silver's story Speakeasy, so I don't take any credits for that one. […string words together and make them sound beautiful.] By the way, go over there and have a look at her story – it's brilliant.

Furthermore, I'm not that intelligent that I could come up with such a speech about vulnerability. That's all Brené Brown. On youtube you're able to find her presentation at TED where she talks about listening to shame.

Thank you caffinate-me, for helping me with my grammar and the rather funny spelling mistakes I made. You were a huge helper and motivator.


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